Dragon Slayer

Once upon a time, not so very long ago, a dragonfruit was discovered at the Golden Pacific Asian Market on North Broadway Street in Chicago (you know, home of Just As Fresh One noodles). It was one of five dragonfruits, nestled in a box, all of which had traveled many miles in order to land in this spot, on this shelf, in this market, in Chicago, a quadrillion-billion miles from the nearest dragonfruit tree. It was a miracle!

I was excited about this miracle because it would not only be my first dragonfruit, it would be a snack, an experiment, and a small but mighty culinary adventure. Onward, I said! (Not really. But we'll say I said this. It makes me out to be more of a knight.)

So, cut to dragonfruit living on my kitchen counter for a week. Maybe, um, two. Now, in my defense, this dragonfruit was not yet ripe when I checked it the first five times. (I am nearly certain that there is no fruit on earth that is intended to be consumed when it is the consistency of a brick -- except, uh, coconut.) In the dragonfruit's defense, this dragonfruit was easily ripe after the first seven days of living in my house. I watched it get less and less pink, less and less fancy. I wasn't ready yet! I didn't know what to do with it! I was nervous, for crying out loud! I worried. I shrugged and pretended I didn't see it sitting there, bemoaning its sad, uneaten life. Give me a peach, or a mango, or a fig, or even a kumquat, and I can pretty much find a way to consume it before it shrivels up completely. Agh, dragonfruit. Help!

Next, please cut to me traveling with the dragonfruit to Michigan, where it continued to sit on a counter top, looking sad and pitiful there as well. Then, finally, one day I had had enough. I went at it. I took that dragon by its scrawny neck! I peeled off its leathery skin! I attacked it! My dad took the sword, I mean, knife, to it! We poked it and prodded it, cut it into bits! I...discovered that it is very pretty on the inside. I discovered that it is not all that delicious when it has traveled so far and had a lengthy vacation on two kitchen counters while I thought about what to do with it. Seriously, think of something that tastes like wet paper -- like, oh, say, mushy wet paper. I read later that dragonfruit is "so delicious because it's so crunchy." Oops. I think I missed my window, or rather the whole, entire, confusing dragonfruit boat. Ah, slaying. Always more educational than one expects.