Dear Customer,
Welcome to my farmstand at this farmers market! I can see this is a very important day for you. This is, after all, the only day of your whole life that you will be able to buy vegetables. Ever. In fact, after today, all the vegetables and fruits will be gone from the world and you will have to subsist on pieces of meat and glugs of Diet Rite. You know, like prehistoric people. It's going to be awful. You'd better get ready. You'd better get focused. You're smart and nice, so I know you can do it!
Since there are really only a few hours left before the apocalypse, you'd better hustle through this farmers market really quickly and angrily. Everyone here at the market, myself included, would really prefer if you could figure out a way to push everyone with your body while managing to also block everyone from getting anywhere by standing really still in the middle of the pathway. If you could take a minute out of your super busy Saturday to figure out how to do that, it'd be great. You're such a good helper!
You're also asking so many great questions, like Why does this cost so much? and Why does this apple have spots all over it? Then it's so neat when you whip around to your friend who is wearing a spandex athletic outfit that matches yours and you say in a really loud voice, THIS PLACE IS TOO EXPENSIVE. WE SHOULD HAVE JUST GONE TO THE GROCERY STORE. And while you're whipping around in your athletic outfit which also includes a full face of makeup and spotless $300 sneakers, make sure that you're extra careful! You'll want to make sure your two gigantic matching Bernese mountain dogs, your two wayward Golden Retriever puppies, and your excitable, yipping Chihuahua-Pomeranian mix stay nowhere near you, because their job is to assault the other customers by licking and jumping on them so that they want to be nowhere near my farmstand. Thank you!
Moms and dads of the market! I'm so glad you're here, too! The thing you really contribute to the farmers market is a sense of community. You're really special because you make this place so close-knit and fun. When you bring your six kids, all under the age of six, to the market, it makes everything so much more exciting. I always go home at the end of the day thinking, I'm so glad those parents all bring those four-seat strollers with 24-inch tires. You're so prepared for the crowds, narrow paths, and rugged urban terrain! And when your crying, screaming kids just hop right out and you're pushing around an empty stroller the size of Steven Spielberg's yacht, it just makes so much sense. Could you also remind your kids as they run around yelling their faces off and charging into other people that it's best if they squeeze all of my tomatoes, and not just twenty of them? I really think all the tomatoes are better for selling when they have puncture wounds from two year-old fingernails. Thanks!
Oh! And also! See this corn here? I grew it all by myself, after days and months and years and decades of hard work and planning. What I really like is for customers like you to stand at the corn bin for at least 20 minutes while shucking each and every ear of corn before you decide if you want to buy it or not. It's a good thing I have you here to shuck all this corn for me! Phew. In fact, I purposefully brought to the market all of the most damaged corn that I grew, so everything you see here is either ridden with small insects that will kill you or already rotten down to the cob. I think the other customers like to watch you shucking all of my corn and then tossing each ear back into the pile with disgust, as though it's full of rabies and scary doll heads. My favorite thing is when you shuck my corn for a really long time and then decide to not buy any at all!
Since we're clearly all in this together, and we're both such stewards of the land and celebrators of the earth, make sure you do a few last things for me. Make sure you always pay with 100 dollar bills and be sure to roll your eyes at me when I tell you we (still) don't take credit cards. If you enjoy a crepe or a tamale from the food vendors, be sure you don't tip them and get really mad at them because there's a line. UGH! I KNOW! I am also so mad that the farmers and vendors are all selling things and making money here at the market! It's the absolute worst. And if you turn and walk away from the line because it's all too much, I understand. On your way out, just stop back by my stand and grab my truck keys from me. You and your family can take a well-deserved nap (I'm sure you're SO much more tired than me) and when I'm done selling my wares, we'll all go back to my farm together and play some Monopoly. And don't worry. There might be a few more peaches left on a tree. And, yes, yes! Absolutely. They're all yours.
Love,
The Farmer
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