Not Your Average Hardtack

I've fallen terribly, swooningly in love with homemade crackers these days. You know, the pillowy, crunchy, and truly flavorful kind that puts store-bought crackers to shame -- those ones. (That's right, Cheez-Its! I'm talking to you!) And before you roll your eyes all the way back into your head, I would like to tell you that it is much, much easier to make crackers than you might think. If you can push a button and push a tiny wheel around, then we've got no complications on our hands, and nothing to worry about at all. Except the problem of how on earth you'll ever fit all those tasty crackers inside your belly.

So here's what I'm thinking. Everyone likes a good cracker. So if you feel like making a treat for the office, or a snack for a party, and you're just tired of all the sugary options, I would recommend to you these supremely delicious crackers. You will be really popular after you feed them to people, I promise. And if you want to make friends with children, use some tiny cookie cutters to make the crackers into all sorts of child-friendly shapes. Even though I work with children, I have no idea what kinds of things they actually like, because children are famous for effectively remaining quite mysterious. But that's okay. We'll allow it! They have to be good at something, you see, because they don't actually have real jobs yet.

But, really, you should make these for yourself first, because you deserve a nice treat. And you can start to get an idea of what these crackers are like, so that you can adapt the recipe when you start making them for your friends. I like sharp cheddar as a base, but I have also added gouda, pecorino, and parmesan (in separate batches, but there's seriously no shame in a quadruple-cheese cracker). You can also add herbs to these crackers, but you'll have to mess around and see what you like the best. I like them spicy, so I add red pepper flakes, but you could pass on this if it makes you feel nervous. Also feel free to leave out the pepper and garlic powder, but, to me, those are the things that really make these crackers special. I suppose you could use all white cheeses and they'd end up looking whitish or yellow, rather than orange, so that is an experiment you could try.

This recipe makes about 4 dozen crackers, or about 2 dozen cheese straws, so I would highly recommend doubling it if you're making them for a crowd! 

Cheese Crackers

1 1/4 cups grated extra-sharp cheddar cheese

1/4 C grated parmesan, pecorino, or aged gouda
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 tablespoon half-and-half 

•Preheat oven to 350°F.

•In a food processor, combine all ingredients and process until the dough forms a ball and thuds angrily around -- this will take about 10 seconds.

•On a lightly floured surface, using a lightly floured rolling pin, roll the dough into an oval that is 1/8-inch thick. With a sharp knife (or a pizza cutter), cut the dough into 1" squares. Repeat with remaining dough. Transfer the squares to an ungreased cookie sheet, leaving at least 1/2" between them. You can also cut the dough into 1/2" x 8" strips to make cheese straws.

•Bake the crackers on the middle rack for 12 to 15 minutes, or until the ends are barely browned. Remove from the oven and set the cookie sheet on a rack to cool. Remove crackers from sheet, conveniently forget you had that party to go to, and store them in a bowl on your lap accompanied by Season 2 of Parks and Recreation.