I'm A Scientist

I think this is my new calling. I'm a sociologist! I'm a scientist! I (continue to) listen to crazy people in restaurants and I write down all the ridiculous things they say. Then I give you the info -- the dish, as it were, complete with gory details so that you can envision the scenario all by yourself, in the comfort of your own home. Stir the pot, and you've officially got my delightful new column, Morons Out To Eat. Please enjoy the first installment.

Type of human: male, thirty-ish
Dining companions: two women, both roughly sixty-ish
Type of restaurant: Thai
Date of encounter: April 15, lunchtime

Things he said:

You just can't WALK on slanted streets. It's impossible!

Tucson! Don't get me started! That place is all corkage, corkage, corkage!

You'll never believe how long MY second toe is! Put your fork down and touch it!

And my dad's kidney just erupted. Just like that! And he wasn't dead!

No body passed away that ENTIRE Christmas. I don't even know how that's possible.

She's so short, and her hair is so messy. Who is she, anyway?