As Yellow as a Beet

People feel very strongly about beets.

I rarely meet folks who feel ambivalent about beets. There's no Meh, whatever. Or Maybe I'll have the beets. Or I loved beets yesterday, but now I just don't like them so much. Nope. It's all or nothing with this vegetable. For me, I just don't understand what's not to love. I tend to fall in love a little more with this food every time I eat it, and, while I adore vegetables endlessly, there just aren't a lot of them that I can say that about. They're so versatile (okay, well maybe not exactly) and so darn pretty. I mean, have you ever encountered such stunning color and design? It's the kind of natural beauty that takes my breath away. And the best part is, the beet keeps its good looks hidden underneath an awkward and, er, not-so-fancy sort of exterior. Now the beets' tops, if fresh, are also quite lovely, and sometimes beets look kind of nice if they don't have too many funky roots growing out of them. But, if you end up with beets that are like the ones I bought today, you will feel downright frightened by their appearance. Thanks, Whole Foods. (Disclaimer: these beets were actually really, really delicious and moderately priced. The appearance, I'm certain, had nothing to do with Whole Foods' abilities and/or expertise as a whole-paycheck-gathering establishment.)

Some may argue that beets taste like dirt. And, well, they do. They actually might taste more like dirt that dirt does. That, though, is what I love about them. There is something so shamelessly, yet shyly filthy about their taste. It's as though they are made to taste this way in order to test humans. Can we actually get people to EAT us? the beets will ask each other. I know that humans are crazy, but do you think that they are crazy enough to eat something that is actually dirt in disguise? I also think that green peppers have this discussion while they are biding their time, growing on the pepper plants, turning into big, dirt-tasting adult peppers. Uh, guys? Is this really going to work AGAIN? These humans are going to catch on to us!

See? There they are. Really, who ever had the idea of eating this thing? It's like an alien, right up there with kohlrabi and celery root. All this said though, I am awfully glad someone had the idea. I have been a beet-lover since I was little, when my grandma would feed me pickled red beets from a jar laced with whole cloves and cinnamon sticks, the deep deep magenta making its way around my plate, soaking into my macaroni & cheese and peas. I was, I think, the family beet-lover, because as far as I know, I was the only one who was sent home from her house with a giant Mason jar of pickled beets. I was the only, uh, six year-old who wanted to be sent home with beets. I was also the only thirteen year-old, nineteen year-old, and twenty-five year-old who wanted desperately to be sent home with beets.

I loved them. As a child, my mom would serve me the beets with meals. I suppose I had them as an accompaniment to all sorts of dinner foods, but the beet-meals that really made the most sense to me were A.) macaroni & cheese with peas and B.) BLTs and C.) grilled cheese. As an adult, I love to eat pickled beets with practically any simple, cheese-based meal, and I love to eat them as a snack, straight out of the jar with a fork (the longer the tines, the better), standing over the sink, the dark red drips falling like blood into the sink, convincing me I've just done something awful. Now that I am making my own beets, I find that I'm really not quite as good at canning them as my grandma was. They never taste quite right, even when I follow the (um, very simple) recipe word-for-word. In light of this fact, and also considering that -- clearly -- beets are best with cheese and toasted bread, I have made some alterations to my current beet lifestyle.

Cheese, I think, was made for beets. Okay, no. Cheese was made for a lot of things. Okay, wait. It was made for everything. Everything except peanut butter. It goes so well with so many things, and beets are one of them. For this particular vegetable, I tend to enjoy a goat cheese, crumbly but smooth to match the features of the beet. It really can't be an overpowering cheese, or the beet gets lost in all the fuss. The simple little beet is wonderful because it doesn't require a lot. Just some basic flavors paired up with a beet usually turns out quite well.

To start, I like to give my beets a good scrubbing, although there's no need to worry too much about getting all the dirt off (yeah, yeah, you know where that one's going!). Next, I like to boil my beets (which, somehow, sounds terribly old-fashioned), although they are also good roasted, and sometimes it is exciting to eat them cold, grated into a salad, perhaps. The trick to boiling these little alien devils is to keep the skin on and about an inch of the tops on too. This way, they won't lose all their color and nutrients while they cook. And for the love of you-know-who, make sure you save those tops. They are not gross, if you're into that kind of foliage- and flora-eating. They can be chopped up and cooked like collards, or (gosh, I think) eaten raw. But maybe that's just me, who, being a dirt-lover, really is into the taste of raw kale. And the taste of the small stones and sand that I gather from the side of the road. Just kidding.


Alright, so boil your beets (yellow or red or whichever specialty heirloom variety you've gathered), covered with water, until you can pierce them with a fork. Fork-tender, as they say. Then, take them out, pour out the water while wishing you cared enough and/or had enough time to dye something yellow. Let them cool for a little while, until you can touch them without burning your fingers off. Use a knife or your fingers to peel the skin off. It should come off very easily. You will like that! Now they are ready to go. I like to cut them up and sometimes put them in the fridge for a little while to cool them off. They are also so good warm! Chop them up and add them to a salad, or slice them and layer them with a soft, creamy goat cheese. Add olive oil and balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper. Beets are also VERY good friends with toasted hazelnuts. Beets, after all, just want to be everyone's friend. But, because they are such understanding and compassionate creatures, they will totally understand if you have other plans.